We traveled to Colorado to celebrate the marriage of our son
Todd and his fiancée Jackie. We had a 6
AM flight, which means, at least to my
wife, that we have to get up at 2 AM to drive to the airport and then basically
sit around for a few hours, twiddling our thumbs and chewing on grass stalks. I
would whittle, but they probably would confiscate my knife. So after a quick nap, I now have 1 ½ hours of
sleep to last me all day. Plus we will
be traveling through two time zones.
This should be fun. Oh and we decided to fly first class. Ah yep, that’s right, two yokels flyin’ first
class in an air-o-plane.
We get off to an inauspicious start. First off, our seats are on opposite ends of
the cabin. I know, I know, first world
problems, but for my first time in first class, I would at least like to sit
next to my wife. Luckily a kind soul
changes seats with us, allowing us to sit next to each other. Nice.
We settle into our comfortable, roomy, luxury seats and
relax. Ahh! After first class boards,
the rest of the passengers begin their death march into economy class. The passengers are giving us the death stare
because of our sudden elevated status.
You can see the hate and loathing in their eyes. I know that stare. You know that stare. We used to give that
stare all of time when we were peons.
Oh well, la-de-dah.
So we start off with hot, fresh coffee brewed to our exact
specifications, in a china cup. Almost
as good as room service. We then
discover all of the perks that first class (henceforth known as FC) has to
offer. Soft blankets, overstuffed
pillows, refreshment trays hidden in the seats.
Our own closets for clothing and of course our own bathroom. Enough leg
room for someone taller than 3 feet.
Plus, in the event that the oxygen masks come flying out, we get first
class oxygen and (at least according to the stewardess) the seat cushions
actually do work as floatation devices.
This is FC peace of mind ladies and gents.
After sipping my delicious coffee, I decide to have a
drink. My rationale is, it’s 6 AM here,
but somewhere in the world it’s 5 PM so I order a Bloody Mary. It’s an unusual feeling to get shit-faced so
early in the morning, but hey, it’s FC and I want to get my money’s worth.
The usual assortment of business travelers are in the FC
cabin with us. Also, there was a young
couple with customized baseball jerseys stenciled with “Just Married 5/1/15,” on
the front and Bride and Groom embroidered on the back. Adorable right? Adorable 3 ½ months ago when they actually
WERE just married. Not so cute as they
approach their first anniversary.
Suddenly the stewardess does something out of the ordinary;
she refills my coffee cup without me even asking. Whoa this is big. Then she brings me another Bloody Mary. Things are getting interesting and it’s only 7
AM.
We reach our first destination, Charlotte, North
Carolina. First on, first off when you
fly FC. We collect our stuff and I sort
of wobble over to a seat in the concourse to wait for the next plane to take us
to Denver. After a short layover we
begin the final leg. Just like the first
one, we are separated in the FC cabin.
Another kind person agrees to change seats and off we go. Seriously, the people in FC are so accommodating. Imagine asking someone in coach to trade an
aisle seat for a middle one. Yeah! See
how far that gets you. We settle in and
put our smug expressions on to deflect the death stares from the people
boarding in coach. And boy do they take
a long time to board. Kids, bags,
carry-ons, packages of all sorts. You know,
if they worked a little harder then maybe they too could fly in the rarified FC
air. Just sayin’.
A young couple boards the plane with, you guessed it, a
baby. Well under ordinary circumstances
that would be a cause for alarm, because we all know the sheer joy of flying
with a baby. The squirming, the
screaming, the crying, did I mention screaming?
Well that won’t bother us because we are in FC and they are in… Oh shit,
they are in FC too. And right behind us.
Let’s hope she put some whiskey in that bottle because this might get
ugly real quick.
While the riff-raff in coach fight over a bag of pretzels,
our flight attendant goes around taking orders for breakfast. I choose quiche. Really, they had quiche for breakfast. I’m not making that up. The quiche comes with herbed potatoes,
buttermilk biscuits with real butter and jam, and fresh fruit with strawberries the size of a billiard balls.
And get this, real cloth napkins and metal silverware. Folks, this is what’s called civilization. The
cabin quickly fills with aroma of eggs, and cheese and potatoes. Ahhh!
For years I smelled that in coach and thought in my crazed, starving
state, I was hallucinating. Well I
wasn’t. I’ve been vindicated. They really have edible food in FC. And in such abundance. Another quiche? Sure.
Another Bloody Mary? Shhhure
thingy. More coffee? Hit me.
After breakfast; you guessed it, hot towels. Ahhh.
And not the pre-moistened towelettes.
Nope. Real. Terry cloth.
Towels. What’s next? Mani-pedi? Massage?
The rest of the trip was quiet and uneventful. Uneventful because I was sleeping off a
snootful of Bloody Mary’s in my large comfy FC seat. The baby didn’t make a peep. The service was
top-notch and the landing smooth. Hello
Denver! Nice to make your acquaintance.
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