So my wife and I are on our way to the beach this morning looking forward to spending a relaxing day soaking up the sun and surf. As I’m walking down the street (an exact seven minute walk mind you) I spy, out of the corner of my eye, what appears to be a statue dressed in black. Okay, we are on Cape Cod. Maybe it’s some memorial to the Pilgrims. Right? As we get close to it I am shocked to find that, no it’s not a Pilgrim, of course not. It’s a blow up sex toy, with a Halloween mask on, dressed in a Nun’s Habit! Really, I’m not making this up. I mean “what the fuck?” doesn’t even begin to describe what’s going through my head. Oh, and did I mention that her name is/was Sister Suzie? Probably not. Anyway to make matter worse there was a sign-in book. Of course I immediately signed it, but I didn’t leave my email address. I mean they could ask me for money or something later on.
Anyway, I can genuinely say that I have never, I repeat never, seen anything like Sister Suzie. Someone actually took the time and thought that one out. “ Let’s see. How can I honor my dear Sister Suzie? Hmmm. I’ve got it. I’ll dress my sex doll up in a Pilgrims costume, put an Ilsa mask on it and call it a day!” Listen, I’m Jewish, not Catholic, but even I know that is way out of bounds as far as the Church is concerned. Although the sign-in book was a stroke of genius.
So, who is Sister Suzie? Good question. There was no pamphlet nor prayer card so I begin my hunt on the Google. Immediately, Google wants to know if I really mean Sister Susie? Hey, if I wanted Susie with an S I would have typed that!!! Sorry. Anyway, the first result is a song by Cock Sparrer, (not making that up either) an eighties glam band. The video is horrible, the lyrics allude to incest, and I moved on. Sister Suzie appears in “Let Em In,” a Paul McCartney song. I not sure Sir Paul would approve of that homage to his song. The Google is continuing to torture me about whether or not I still meant to spell it with an S. Okay, fuck it. I look up Sister Susie and this version is a World War I drinking song made famous by Al Jolson. “Sister Susie's Sewing Shirts for Soldiers.” Eh?
The mystery of Sister Suzie continues. A fallen angel? Or some sick, twisted, demented mind with a diabolical plan to scare people not to come to Cape Cod. I don’t know, but I think I’m going to back and give them my email address. Maybe they can send me updates.