My wife and I started to look for a new mattress. Our old one served us well, but after continually waking up with aches and pains in places that I didn’t even think could ache or pain, I figured it was time. When we bought it years ago it was state of the art. Chrome steel coils, individually wrapped, triple-sealed in extra thick batting, wrapped in silk no less. The store referred to it as "The Brick" because it was a very firm mattress. And indeed is was firm. Sadly, the Brick is broken and it’s breaking my back. It has lost its mojo and is now a sort of soft, lumpy, saggy, shell of its former self. A pity really.
Well, it seems that the world has passed me by on the latest in cutting edge mattress technology. When we bought The Brick, the choices were soft, medium or firm, pillow top, no pillow top. Now fast forward a number of years and there is a dizzying array of choices. Inner spring, memory foam, latex, air mattress, water mattress, I’m getting sleepy just thinking about all of these choices.
So we begin our search on of course, the Internet. How hard can it be to find the perfect mattress that will give me 8 hours of blissful, uninterrupted sleep? Pretty freakin’ impossible if you ask me.
Every mattress type has its advantages and disadvantages. Some are better for side sleepers, or better for stomach sleepers. Some serve the back sleeper well, others don't. We were interested in a memory foam mattress until we read the part where it was unsuitable for romance. Which means, in layman's terms, that this bed sucks for sex.
I’m sorry, call me old-fashioned, but I fail to see how this is in any way shape or form a selling point for, of all things, a bed.
Cue the sales help: “Yes sir, this bed comes with a twenty year guarantee, offers great support, we just don’t recommend that you have sex on it.”
Me: "It’s not good for sex?"
Sales help: "Yes sir. That is correct. One hundred percent not recommended for sex. But if you buy it today we will throw in a pillow."
I mean I am buying this for sleeping, wink, elbow, nod, the sex is kinda implied. What kind of perverse mind invents a bed that isn't good for sex?
Me: "The little lady and I are interesting in buying a bed."
Sales help: "Are you interested in a sleep bed or a sex bed?"
Me: "That’s really none of your business."
Sales help: "Well sir it really is because some beds are good for sleeping, while other beds are good for..." Wink, elbow, nod.
Sales help: "So do you want a fucking bed or just a bed?"
Me: "No need to get rude my man!"
See what I'm saying? Um, I really don’t want to have to buy two beds, one for sleeping and one for sex. That just seems like overkill and I am on a budget.
To make matters worse, not only can you not have sex on this mattress, there is an odor problem with the memory foam. Apparently it takes a while for the smell to dissipate. This is called off-gassing. Some manufacturers use formaldehyde in the processing of the foam. I want to sleep like the dead not with the dead.
So memory foam, smells, farts and you can’t have sex. Sounds like a girl I knew in high school. Wink, elbow, nod.