There are certain things that are sacrosanct in life; the Bro Code is one of them. The Bro Code; what all guys who have half a brain, and that pretty much sums all of us up, live by. Now the specific section of the Code that I want to talk about is on bathroom etiquette. I’m bringing this up because of an incident that happened to me recently. Now when going into a public bathroom and someone is already doing their business, Bro Code clearly states, never under any circumstances stand next to the bro if there are other stalls available. That’s just Bro 101. And, this is important, never, ever strike up a conversation with the bro unless you are at the sink and washing your hands. The last thing I want to do is start talking to some guy as I'm peeing. You are in the most vulnerable of positions, facing forward, back exposed, junk in hand, and this jerk wants to talk sports or politics or some such nonsense. I mean, WTF! Also, and this is essential, keep your eyes locked in the forward position, no turning left, no turning right, and certainly no looking down, except at yourself. Urinals with dividers are the best as they keep creepy, casual glances from weirdos to a minimum. Urinals without dividers, well bro, stand a little closer. The dreaded pig trough; pee as fast as you can or use a stall.
I was out for dinner the other night and wanted to use the restroom and wash up. I excused myself and walked into the lav. Now the layout of the lav was simple. Three stalls, one of which was the low urinal for kids. I went to the first one leaving the other two open to my right. Notice I didn’t take the middle one. That would be a douchebag move. You always leave at least one urinal between you and the next bro, and if that urinal happens to be the junior one, well bro, suck it up and pee like a man. So as I begin to do my business in walks an elderly bro. We will call him E-bro. E-bro strolls up to the urinal next to me, and begins to pee. Hold on a second here, did this guy miss the chapter on bathroom etiquette? Or is he truly an asshole? I’m going with asshole, because he immediately starts talking. To me. Wait. It gets worse. E-bro begins to regale me with detailed information on his prostate. Only, this jerk calls it his prostrate. Prostate, an organ inside a bro. Prostrate, when a bro lies on the ground in supplication. Is he going to start praying to the urinal? I hope not because that is definitely something I will never un-see.
Then E-bro starts to grunt. This can't be good. Who grunts when they are peeing? E-bro does because he then starts in about his weak stream. A weak stream? I can't move because I'm in the middle of my strong, robust stream. I'm a captive audience to this weak streamed, grunting, lunatic E-bro. An audience of one. All I want to do is finish peeing, wash up and get the fuck out of there, but E-bro is yammering away about something called BPH all the while straining to pee. I am literally losing my mind here, willing my bladder to finish.
Mercifully I finish, zip up, and nearly catch myself in the zipper in my frantic attempt to escape from this guy. I wash up, and of course there are no paper towels at this environmentally concience, green restaurant, only the blower things that I hate because they take forever, and I don't want to spend another second in lavatory hell with Mr. Weak Stream Prostrate E-bro. Finally my hands are dry. As I bolt out the door I hear him saying something about a dribble and I know for a fact he wasn't talking basketball. I'm pretty much done with dinner. I come back to the table and my wife says that was quick. Not quick enough dear. Check please!