Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Well, I lost man card again.  I know, I know, it took me so long to get it back.  You may recall it was temporarily revoked when I reluctantly admitted that I watched a few episodes of “Say Yes To The Dress.”  But that was only because my wife was watching it, and I sat down on the couch to relax, and I sorta got caught up in the moment because the bride to be and her crew were all jumping up and down celebrating because she picked out the perfect dress and it didn’t make her look like a whale.    Anyway, I tried to make amends to earn it back.  I engaged in manly sports, I drove my manly car, and used manly tools like chainsaws and jackhammers. However, when I admitted to a close friend and confidant that I joined Pinterest, she immediately brought up the man card.  I was stunned.  Pinterest?  I joined it because I’m a foodie and Pinterest has some phenomenal recipes and a great system to keep them organized.  I’m always bookmarking recipes and promptly forgetting about them.  Typical guy activity right? I thought I was making my life easier.  Doesn’t that count?  Clearly it doesn’t.  Clearly I jumped the fence.  Clearly I went to, her words not mine, “the dark side.”  Cue scary music, and I gotta lay down for a few because I’m getting a headache and feel bloated. 

Is Pinterest really for women?  Well I had to find out.  I promptly started my due diligence.  First I Googled Pinterest demographics.  The results were not what I was hoping for.  Only 13% of Pinterest users are men. Uh-oh. That doesn’t bode well for me.  I also discovered that only 10% of older baby boomers use Pinterest.  So now I’m the creepy old man-card-less Pinterest user.  You know that guy.  The weird uncle that only gets trotted out at holidays and everyone is slightly afraid of him.  Yeah, that guy.  Oh yeah, great for my self-esteem.  I’m getting cramps just thinking about that. 

So maybe the statistics don’t tell the whole story.  I went back to Pinterest and searched cars.  Not what I was hoping for.  A black Lamborghini with pink seats.  A BMW with pink trim.  Or how about the car shaped like a high heel?  I’m getting a little panicky here.  I mean who drives a car shaped like a Manolo Blahnik?  Oh my God, did I just use Manolo Blahnik in a sentence?  How do I even know that?  Okay let me compose myself.  Let’s try firearms.  Turquoise, pink and purple guns appear along with my personal favorite, one disguised as a tampon.  A tampon. Really?  I began to cry for no apparent reason. 

In desperation I Googled manly activities.  According to AskMen, some of the best manly activities are, shining my shoes, shaving with a straight razor, and having an afternoon martini.  Whew, who knew it would be that easy.  Clean shoes, clean face, and shit-faced.  Man card approved.  But before I start, I think I’ll tuck into a nice pint of Ben and Jerry’s Blondie Ambition.

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