The majority of my Facebook friends are people that I actually know, or share similar interests. Real life friends, acquaintances, family, colleagues, co-workers. Members of the watches and dog groups I belong to. The algorithm that Facebook uses to entice you to add new friends seems pretty straightforward. Friends of friends. Friends of friend of friends. I get that. What I don’t get is this. Or rather these.
These two people have somehow been promoted to the top of the list of people I should be friends with. Facebook insists that I friend them. They constantly appear in my feed. They appear on all of my devices. I literally cannot get rid of them. Who are they? And why do they so desperately want to be my friend?
Well after some investigative work I can tell you a little bit about them. They are from Taiwan and they have 20 friends. Think about that for a moment, 20 friends. I’m no mathematical wizard but I believe that works out to 10 friends each. In this day and age how is that possible? What about their family? Taiwan is about the size of New Jersey and is home to about 23 million people. New Jersey is the most densely populated state and it only has about 8.9 million people. Add another 14 million people to the mix, now we have Taiwan. Taiwan is so densely packed they must be sitting asshole to elbow. How can you live on such a tiny, densely populated, island and have absolutely no friends? Do they live under, a rock? In a cave? Are they in jail? It’s also unclear whom I would actually be friends with. The mother? The daughter? Both?
So what could we possibly have in common? What could I offer them, thousands of miles away, that they can’t find at home? Okay, I’m a foodie. I’m also Jewish so they must know that we are genetically programmed to love Chinese food. Maybe that attracted them. But guess what? I don’t particularly care for Chinese food. Way too greasy for my tastes. If they were say Thai, then we’re talkin’. I would friend them immediately and start asking them for recipes. I can’t speak or write a lick of Chinese, so my superb speaking and writing skills will be totally lost on them.
Maybe their motives are more nefarious. What if they want to friend me, move here and try to convince me to marry one of them for a green card? Hmmmm. They don’t seem to be my type. First off, no one is smiling in the picture. They are all dressed up and looks as if they are going to a party. Who doesn’t smile at the thought of a party? They both look constipated. Maybe they should stop eating Chinese food. Switch to Thai. I hear it’s healthier. I’m also married. That would put a damper on their marriage plans.
So I’m left with this conundrum. Two, unsmiling, friendless, lonely, constipated Asian women waiting patiently by their computers for someone to friend them. Whoa, here’s a frightening thought. If they appear on my Facebook friend suggestion list, do I appear on theirs? Are they at this moment contemplating the same thing? Should we friend this old guy who is obsessed with food, dogs and watches, likes Thai food and doesn’t speak Chinese? Nah, I think we’ll pass.