Thursday, September 4, 2014

Some Things Are Better Off Left Unseen, Like Naked Reality Shows

A pretty weird article popped on my Facebook feed a few days ago. Jesse Nizewitz, a New York model, is suing Viacom for $10 million because they “accidentally” showed her, shall we say, lady parts on television. Oh, by the way, the television show she was on is called, get this, “Naked Dating.” That’s right, she is suing them because she was shown naked on a show where you are supposed to be naked. Apparently the editor of that show failed to blur out her private parts during a segment where she is wrestling naked with an equally naked guy on a beach. Call me old fashioned, but when I was dating, wrestling on a beach with my date wasn’t really a consideration. Bowling, a movie, maybe a nice dinner; naked wrestling, uh-uh.

 Anyway, she is claiming that having her lady bits broadcasted to the entire world has caused her, “extreme emotional distress, mental anguish, humiliation and embarrassment.” And to add insult to injury her boyfriend dumped her. Boyfriend, “Hey Jess, wanna grab a pizza?” Jesse, “Gee no I can’t. I’m going to wrestle a perfect stranger without my clothes on. Maybe next week.” I could see where the boyfriend might want to move on.

 Well, in the interest of good investigative journalism I tracked down the offending photograph to see for myself how embarrassing it really is. After viewing it for, oh about a second, I think I will also sue Viacom for emotional distress. I’m sure the three people that actually watch the show will sue Viacom as well.

 When I was telling this story to my wife, she said that she was watching a news show about “naked” reality shows. Apparently, this is a brand new genre in television. Sure enough we have “Naked and Afraid,” where two people are trying to survive in the wilderness for a few weeks and they are, drum roll please, naked. Why anyone would want to be in the woods for a few weeks with no clothes on is beyond me. I’ve gotten mosquito bites fully clothed AND after applying bucket loads of repellent. Going naked in the Louisiana Bayou? Not for all the tea in China, my man.

 “Naked Vegas” and “Skin Wars” are two more shows that feature body paint artists using people as canvases. Great Britain had a show called “Naked Office.” Apparently casual Friday was too mundane. Let’s start the weekend off with a bang by coming to work with no clothes on. I thought my wife was joking when she said that there is even a real estate show called “Buying Naked” where couples search for their dream home in the buff. Can you imagine having an open house and prospective buyers show up naked? Don’t sit on the couch, and spray some Lysol when you leave, please.

 Reality shows are very cheap to produce, more so because now you don’t need a clothing budget, but really, a whole bunch of shows about naked people? “Naked Nascar?” “Naked Home Remodeling?” “NCIS Naked Edition?” I certainly hope not.

 I’m not a prude but I’ve been in enough gym locker rooms to tell you that naked isn’t all that it cracks up to be. I mean, most people are better off left very clothed. There are certain things that you just can’t un-see. Can you imagine if they had a “Biggest Loser Naked Edition?” We would all be permanently traumatized.

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