So I’m at the gym the other day, minding my own business as usual, pounding on the treadmill, and wrecking my knees. I’m listening to the Rolling Stones “Some Girls” album. A great album for working out, mind you. Anyway this older, rather overweight woman hobbles in on a cane and sits down on one of the LifeCycles in front of me. She doesn’t look like the healthiest sort, but hey at least she’s in the gym and is making an attempt to work out. Right? Not really. She positions herself on the LifeCycle and proceeds to arrange her cane on the handlebars. Then she re-arranged the cane, and yes, you guessed it, rearranged it again. And again. I’m beginning to think that maybe this is a new workout. “Dude, I caned for forty-five minutes, I’m toast!” Finally when the cane is in the optimal position, she then proceeds to re-arrange her butt on the seat. And re-arrange and, yep, you guessed it again, re-arranged it one more time. For two whole minutes she is shifting said butt to right, the left, up, down, and then she added some swirling motion. I nearly gagged! After her cane and butt were safely tucked away she began to cycle. But it was some slow-motion, time warp method, because she made one complete turn every 43 seconds. Amazing. The digital readout recorded that she expended a total of five calories and cycled a whopping fifteen feet. She probably could have worked off more calories eating a bag of potato chips. Then she picked up her cane, oozed off the LifeCycle, and hobbled out of the gym. I was astounded. So I’m thinking what in the world is this lady doing in the health club anyway? Certainly not trying to get healthy that’s for sure. Maybe she doesn’t have cable so she comes to the health club to catch up on her TV viewing. But she wasn’t even sitting in front of the TV broadcasting Days of Our Lives. It was a hot day so perhaps she came into the health club to cool off. But unless her living room smells worse than a gym, that was unlikely too. Maybe she just likes to brag to her blue haired friends; “Whew, caned some ass at the gym today girls!”
As the caning lady was walking out another shall we say extremely overweight gal comes in and plops herself on the LifeCycle that the caning lady just vacated. This gal looked like she just cleaned out The Sports Authority; new Nike kicks, sweatpants, a sweatband and a shirt that read, “Go Hard Or Go Home!” She looked like she was ready to rumble. She quickly settles in and begins her workout; which consisted of texting for ten minutes. She didn’t even bother to actually cycle on the LifeCycle. After she finished this punishing routine she got up and left. The sweatband was actually in better shape when she left. I mean it was in pristine condition; not sullied by anything so horrible as a drop of perspiration. Well if that that is the new go hard, then I’m going home!