Monday, June 25, 2012

How Many People Does It Take To Plant A Tulip?

You may have surmised from some of my past musings that I really don’t have much of a green thumb.  The upside down tomato plant debacle, my hatred for mowing and my rather pathetic standard of what makes an acceptable lawn.   If it grows and it’s green, it’s okay.  For years I was the scourge of the neighborhood.  As my neighbors would toil on their lawn trimming, mowing, and fertilizing, I would happily repair to my patio, sip a beer and toast the other jerks as they wasted a perfectly good Saturday afternoon. 

I once got ambitious and decided to spruce up my backyard by planting some tulips.  I went to Home Depot and bought a large box of assorted bulbs.  The picture promised a garden worthy of a gold medal; healthy plants, bursting with color and beauty.  It went into the garage and sat for a year.  When cleaning out the garage I stumbled upon this winsome box.  I decided that they weren’t going to plant themselves, so I ruefully walked out to the yard, spade in hand and began to dig.  I carefully arranged the bulbs, covered them up with dirt, and cracked open a beer to celebrate my new garden.  Fall comes and goes, winter arrives and finally ends, hinting away at spring.  I anxiously look to my new tulip garden with excitement.  I wait, and wait, and wait.  No tulips.  Okay, maybe these are late bloomers.  Summer arrives and still nothing.  This is not good.  I complain to my wife and she suggests that we dig and check out what went wrong.  We dig up the tulips and much to my chagrin I find out that each carefully arranged bulb was planted upside down.  Apparently tulips and tomatoes prefer to be planted as nature intended it to be.  Correctly. 

Well now, that was a kick in teeth.  I decided last year that what I really needed to improve my lawn was a new lawn mower.  Everyone in my neighborhood had a riding mower except for me.  Their lawns rivaled golf courses they were so nice.  Maybe that’s the secret.  I begin my detailed investigation into the best mower out there for my money.  I settled on a John Deere because it had the best cup holders.  I put aside money each pay period and finally the day arrives.  We go down to Home Depot and purchase my new Deere.  Two weeks later I notice that the Depot is having a special, if you purchase a new Deere you get a free cart.  My wife went back to complain.  She ended up having to return the mower and then repurchase it.  The cart sits on the side of shed waiting for me to haul something.  I also purchased a dethatcher to pull up all of the dead grass that has sat undisturbed on my lawn choking the life force out of any blade of grass foolish enough to attempt to put roots down on my lawn.

I dethatched the lawn and was quite surprised at the volume of stuff being pulled up.  I mean piles of brown grass, a few lost dog toys, an old shoe.  I was astounded.  I then fire up Buttermilk, yes I named my new mower, and off I went.  I’m driving this thing around like I am in the Indy 500.  This is a sweet ride.  I complete the lawn in record time.  I had so much fun with mower that I mowed the lawn the next day.  My wife is looking at me as if I lost my mind.  My neighbors are all abuzz wondering who just moved into the Scott house and is actually taking care of the lawn.  I just motor on; a Romeo and Juliet cigar clamped between my teeth and a Harpoon UFO comfortably nestled in the cup holder.

After a few weeks and many mows later, my lawn is starting to look pretty good.  A few more and it’s looking better than my neighbors.  Green, lush healthy.  I would even go so far to say verdant.  Trust me, I don’t use the term verdant loosely.  Pretty much because I just found out what it means.  Anyway, I’m pretty happy with my lawn now.  I still have my share of weeds and stuff but overall it’s looking good.  Now, I’m on my way to Home Depot to find some bulbs.  Light bulbs, not tulips.  They only go in one way.  

Read my other trials and tribulations 

No comments:

Post a Comment