Friday, April 22, 2011

My Lawn Epiphany

Green grass, the mowing kind, has always eluded me.  I wasted valuable vacation hours earlier this week by laying down fertilizer and Grubex.  I don’t see any difference so far.  I’m an instant gratification kind of guy. 

This morning I tackled the brown spots.  I bought three bags of seed, fertilizer and compost mix that claims to guarantee me a most beautiful lawn.  Unfortunately, the folks at this company do not know how to calculate coverage per square foot.  One bag is supposed to cover 500 square feet.  I managed 50.  Already I’m annoyed because this stuff is not cheap.  At thirty-three dollars a bag, I probably could have re-sodded the lawn and had money left over for a riding mower, with dual cup holders.

I’m complaining to my wife that I don’t have much confidence in this stuff when she says, “Maybe if you were more positive, the grass would grow.”  Whoa, Mr. Glass is Half Empty, so that is the secret to a green lawn.  Think positive thoughts.  My lawn has actually turned against me for having a pessimistic attitude. 

The manufacturer tells me that I will have to wait seven to twenty-one days for my lush green lawn to begin to makes it appearance.  I also have to keep it moist.  That will entail more than positive thoughts. I will actually have to drag out the hoses and move them around the lawn everyday.  That involves work. 

I’m beginning to think that maybe a brown lawn is really not that bad.  After all, earth tones are soothing.  When I’m outside on the patio, I’m not staring at the lawn for three hours straight, I’m reading, listening to music, barbequing.  My dog pees on it, so why put so much effort into re-decorating his bathroom. I’ve got it!  Instead of wasting valuable resources like water, and laying down harmful chemicals all in the name of vanity, I will take an environmentally safe approach.  I will leave the damn thing alone.  Brown is the new green!

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